Thus far the Olympics have been enjoyable. But I had reservations about the choice of Bejing as this year's host, and those have borne fruit. Last night, while listening to some reporter drone on about the amazingness of the Three Gorges Dam (megadeathtrap waiting to happen), I came to the conclusion that the U.S. needs to get the Games back, and soon. Because we are the greatest country on Earth. We invented the jackalope and Howie Mandel and the neutron bomb. Who better than us to host? Put me in charge and the spectacle will unfold spectacularly. I will even host the event here in San Diego. Costas, you can stay at my house. Here's what I envision:
The Opening Ceremonies: We open with the release of a flock of California condors. Then 2,000 ATV riders do laps around the stadium, accompanied by a reunited Queensryche performing "Operation: Mindcrime" in its entirety. Then James Earl Jones (dressed up in his Darth Vader costume - yeah, I know Dave Prowse was actually the guy in the suit, but he's English, and I bet JEJ always wanted to wear the suit, so here's his chance to fulfill his Olympic dream) narrates a history of the U.S. (leaving out the bad stuff - pretty much everything that happened from 1789 to 1911, most of the 60's, all of the 80's, and everything from 9/10/2001 to present) with an accompanying interpretive dance performed by the backup dancer guys from Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" video. Then we watch the world's largest single assembly - 35,000 in all - of Frisbee-catching dogs do their stuff. Then the Monster Trucks. Then the torch is lit by none other than drag racing legend Don "The Snake" Prudhomme. Then we watch 3,000 guys on stilts stagger around the stadium floor, waving brightly colored banners as everyone in attendance - some 75,000 people - reaches under their seats, pulls out the pumpkins filled with tartar sauce and hurls them at the stilt walkers. Then Huey Lewis and the News sing the national anthem, a capella style.
Events: Gone are the ridiculous "sports" like synchronized diving, soccer, and gymnastics. In their place: rugby, demolition derby, paintball, BASE jumping, bass fishing, and I know I'm not the first guy to suggest that Professional Wrestling replace that Greco-Roman bullshit. (Tell me you wouldn't want to see an Israel v. Palestine cage match.) Also, Team Handball would be rescued from the 3:00 AM-on-CNBC wasteland and put into prime time where it belongs. And, in keeping with the Olympic tradition as practiced by the ancient Greeks, all the athletes would be naked. Yes, even the weightlifters. The beauty and horror of athletic competition - in the form of a buck-ass nude 400 pound sweaty hairy Russian weightlifter in full squat - on display for all to see. Jim McKay would be proud.