It's been known for some time that Jersey Shore's "Snooki", aka Nicole Polizzi, has been hard at work penning a novel. It's not uncommon for celebrities, particularly those who possess a GED-level understanding of the English language, to hire a ghost writer to assist them in putting words to paper. While it's no surprise that Snooki followed suit, what IS unusual is who she selected to help her write her novel: one of the torchbearers of modern American literature, Cormac McCarthy. What follows is a brief excerpt from All The Pretty Bennies, sure to enter the pantheon of modern fiction.
Gia spoke in an english learned largely from schoolbooks and he tested each phrase for the meanings he wished to hear, repeating them silently to himself and then questioning them anew. She said she was glad he had come. He had an ok body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.
I told you I would.
They turned, the trumpet rapped.
Did you not think I would? Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage.
She tossed back her head and looked at him, smiling, her eyes aglint. Al contrario, she said. I knew you would come. I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.
At the band's intermission they made their way to the refreshment stand and he bought two lemonades in paper cones and they went out and walked in the night air. They walked along the road and there were other couples in the road and they passed and wished them a good evening. The air was cool and it smelled of earth and perfume and horses. Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.
The film version of All The Pretty Bennies, written, directed by, and starring James Franco (and featuring "Snooki" as "Gia"), will be released in December 2011, in IMAX 3D. Portions of this work previously appeared in the New York Post.