True: I just got off the phone with a reporter from ABC News. Look at me! I'm kind of a big deal. And frankly I'm done with being coy about it. If other bloggers can casually mention how they had lunch with Norman Mailer or played squash with Prince or sat right next to Brian Wilson as he gingerly lapped at a bowl of split pea soup then I can name-drop Black Hockey Jesus. He dropped The Meme Gauntlet; I pick it up.
What are your current obsessions?
I'm taking an Xacto knive and cutting the following into my forearm: the amazing album "Now We Can See" by The Thermals (here's a piece); Key Lime pie; obscure microbrews; chips and salsa; the ocean; getting past that third Panzer; the mystery of my itchy eyes; and The Catalina Wine Mixer.
Who gave you the best oral sex of your life?
My parents, my in-laws and my sister all read this blog, so to avoid embarrassment I'll just go with "my old cellmate".
What's for dinner?
Beef. By the way, did I mention that I once went skeet-shooting with Robert Mitchum?
What is your greatest fear at the moment?
My fears are deep, as ingrained in me as my chromosomes. They flow through me like a particularly virulent strain of cancer, an infliction that the antibodies of hope and faith and love are merely a bandage, a catalyst of a remission that's doomed to wane. If I had to give shape to these fears, they'd look like a midget with a monkey perched on his shoulder, riding a giant spider. And the spider would be watching The Real Housewives of New York on his iPod.
What are you listening to right now?
Justin Timberlake...that one song, you know, with the video that has Scarlett Johansson in it.
If You Were A God, What Would You Be?
Here. Rather then tell you, allow me to show you:
What are your favorite holiday spots?
I have to say that the ones I get at Christmastime when I eat figgy pudding are my favorite. Yes, they itch and burn, but they don't ooze that clear fluid, like the ones I get at Eastertime, when I go on my annual and sadly inevitable three day Peeps-and-mescal bender.
What are you reading right now?
I'm reading what I just wrote. It's very Meta. Speaking of Meta, did I mention that I once played Mumblety-Peg with Thomas Pynchon?
What are four words that describe you?
Zesty, tangy, hearty, and prick.
What is your guilty pleasure?
Anything that is of or related to Michael Bay.
Who or what makes you laugh?
Currently, I find the whole swine flu thing hysterical (in the funny sense, not in the "stupid people are becoming hysterical over swine flu" sense). I also think Crying Glenn Beck is awesome. Whenever I feel down, I watch Crying Glenn Beck. Here. You seem a little down yourself.
What is your favorite spring thing to do?
Two words: Slinky. Escalator.
Where are you planning to travel next?
Palm Springs for my 40th. Speaking of Palm Springs, did I ever tell you about the time I went skiing with Sonny Bono? "Fuck the groomed runs! Go through the trees, you glorious mustachioed bastard!", I screamed at him.
What is the best thing you ate or drank lately?
Smoked fish dip in the Florida Keys. Holy pogo-stickin' Jesus, that stuff is the kind.
When was the last time you were tipsy?
When I was a thirteen year old girl. What the fuck kind of question is that? "Tipsy"? Speaking of hardcore drunks, did I ever tell you about the time that I went dynamite fishing with Cormac McCarthy and we ended up shooting a Federale?
What is your favorite ever movie?
Star Wars. The OG cut. Han shoots first.
What's the biggest life lesson you've learned from your kids?
Everything contains wonder.
What song can't you get out of your head?
That one. You know the one. And now it's stuck in yours.
What book do you know that you should read but refuse to?
Infinite Jest. I really like David Foster Wallace's essays. Let's leave it at that.
What is your physical abnormality/abnormal physical ability?
My giant penis. Speaking of which, did you watch that Glenn Beck video? How fucking funny is that? He cries while Chuck Norris looks on!
Why do you think you were called into the realm of the living?
To chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.
