Dramatis Personae:
ASSHOLE #1: A muscle-bound oaf, wearing an Affliction t-shirt and a tremendous amount of hair-care product.
ASSHOLE #2: ASSHOLE #1's girlfriend, wearing a white parka, which makes sense since it's about 72 degrees outside. Although we do not see it, the ASSHOLEs pulled into the Starbucks lot in a metallic purple Scion.
STARBUCKS LADY: Mid-50's, forced to work at Starbucks due to the horrible state of the economy, living on broken dreams and unsold cranberry-orange scones.
ME: Me.
YOU: The Reader
SCENE: The Oceanside Starbucks that ME stops at occasionally on the drive to work. It's Monday morning, and ME is slightly hungover from margaritas consumed the night before. ME is clearly not in the mood to deal with anyone, much less a couple of ASSHOLEs. The curtain opens, and the two ASSHOLEs are in line in front of ME. STARBUCKS LADY is behind the counter.
ASSHOLE #1 (to STARBUCKS LADY): So does the mocha have caffeine?
STARBUCKS LADY: Yes, but you can order it decaf.
ASSHOLE #1 (to ASSHOLE #2): Yeah, babe, it has caffeine.
ASSHOLE #2 (standing directly behind ASSHOLE #1, busy tapping keys on her iPhone): What about the latte?
ASSHOLE #1 (to STARBUCKS LADY): So does the latte have caffeine?
STARBUCKS LADY: Yes, it does, but you can also order it decaf.
ASSHOLE #1 (to ASSHOLE #2): Yeah, babe, it has caffeine.
ASSHOLE #2 (standing directly behind ASSHOLE #1, still busy tapping keys on her iPhone): What about a...mach-ee-do?
ASSHOLE #1 (to STARBUCKS LADY): So does the...mach-ee-do have caffeine?
STARBUCKS LADY: Yes, the macchiado does, but you can also order it decaf.
ASSHOLE #1 (to ASSHOLE #2): Yeah, babe, it has caffeine.
ME: (looks at watch)
ASSHOLE #2 (standing directly behind ASSHOLE #1, still busy tapping keys on her iPhone): What about the Chai Tea?
ME: (wonders to self if these two ASSHOLEs have ever set foot in a Starbucks, or if they have any understanding of the alterable nature of caffeinated beverages)
ASSHOLE #1 (to STARBUCKS LADY): So does the Chai Tea have caffeine?
STARBUCKS LADY: Yes, it does. Actually, most every drink here does. The menu behind me says which drinks don't have caffeine. (To ME): Can I get something started for you, sir?
ME: Yeah, can I please have a grande non-fat no-whip one-pump vanilla mocha?
ASSHOLE #2: Do they have anything without caffeine?
YOU: Ohmyfuckinggodhumanbeingscannotpossiblythisgoddamnstupid.
CHORUS: Hast thou ever been to Oceanside? Nay? Well.
ASSHOLE #1: Do you have anything without caffeine?
ME: (sotto voce) Can I get a clawhammer with that mocha?
STARBUCKS LADY: When I was young I wanted to be a ballerina. I wanted to dance. To dance round and round under the bright lights, and the people would cheer for me and there would be roses.
FIN
