The economy is collapsing. Major banks are aflame. Hordes of heavily armed and tattooed bond traders roam the streets, exchanging gunfire with berserking investment bankers. The corpses are piled high and the gutters run with blueblood. Heads are atop pikes. Disneyland has pulled their SoCal Discount. We are in the End Fucking Times.
I know next to nothing about the economy (case in point: every time I type the word "economy" it comes out "ecomony" or "econimoy", even on those rare occasions when I blog sober), but then again, apparently no one else does either, including people who are paid millions of dollars a year to know such stuff. Or maybe there are people who correctly predicted that things would go south this year, but no one listened to them. You know, they ought to give some sort of prize to people who correctly assess the challenges faced by today's new markets. Because if they did maybe other people would listen to what they have to say. Eh, that's crazy talk.
Anyway, here are some industries and sectors you should invest in.
- LTA Projects - the world's leading blimp and airship manufacturer. Because blimps get like 200 miles to the gallon in gas. Also, LTA Projects makes stylish laptop bags. It's good to have a diverse portfolio.
- John Deere/Caterpillar. Think about it - if everyone's broke, who's going to buy all of those houses that the banks seized? Gonna need a lot of bulldozers.
- The Personal Luxury Submarine sector . I predict a sharp increase in orders for personal luxury subs. When the ultra-rich CEO's of the mortgage and finance sector attempt to flee the country with all of their Golden Parachute money, they won't be able to fly out in their private jets because the FBI will have the airports surrounded with orders to blow any fleeing Learjets out of the sky. So, naturally, they will try to flee to their Secret Lairs (Disguised as Inactive Volcanic Islands) in Caymans, in - what else? - their recently christened private submarines.
- HBO on DVD. During the First Great Depression, poor people apparently loved watching movies about vacuous rich people. So if Season 3 of Sex and The City is worth $75 now, image how much more it will be worth when we are all reduced to wearing Hefty bags and dog pelts.
- Anything from The Franklin Mint. Actually, I don't know if this is really a wise investment or not. But since U.S. currenct as we currently know it will soon be worthless, hey, might as well have some cool-looking valueless cash. I've gone ahead and spent everything we had in our savings account on these awesome coins. (If you live down South, I'd recommend the Ronnie Van Zant Commemorative Gold Dollars.)
- Alien technology. While I agree with former Canadian defence minister and noted technologist Paul Hellyer that alien technology is the best hope for saving our planet, his emphasis on using super-light proton cannons and anti-gravity repulsor rays captured from shot-down alien scout ships to save the environment is woefully naive. The aliens are watching our planet and are waiting for the perfect moment to strike - and what better time to launch their invasion, when our economy is going down the tank? No, we need that technology to shoot down the invading Antarean battlefleets, not to save the fucking whales. Hell, we'll probably need to EAT the whales, what with all of the cattle mutilations and grain-destroying crop circles that are sure to occur.
- Gore-Tex. It's waterproof AND breathable!
So there are my hot investment tips. As for any government bailout - hmmmm. That's a tough nut to crack. Give me a couple of days.